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Created because people
kept thinking that
TV Misguidance
was a general comedy listings thing.
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| 6th January 2009 | |
05.00
LZ
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Colonel Sanders Is Watching You For the remainder of the night as transmission shuts down and we hand over to the night network, all insomniac viewers in the UK will see the unflinchingly sinister visage of Colonel Sanders staring at them....occasionally blinking but always breathing. Sometimes he laughs too, to remind you he is watching you.
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12.30
LZ
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[FILM] The Da Vinci Green Cross Code Tom Hanks plays Kevin Keegan in this conspiracy thriller about a labyrinthe clandesting plot concocted by the Catholic church to kill blaspheming children who do not adhere to the age-old biblical code of looking left, looking right, listening, looking left and right again, and then crossing the road. Also starring Michael Aspel as an albino lollipop man.
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14.00
LZ
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Bob Willison: Management Jargonator This week, the fly-on-the-wall documentary following the buzzword-belching jobsworthy cuntoid sees him attending an interview for a management position but instead of answering the questions posed to him by the interview panel in a natural way, Bob fires out a series of analogies, metaphors and cliches like a verbal diarrhoea equivalent of the Niagara Falls as a bemused panel wish he would just simply fuck right off. Music by Rush.
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17.00
PQ
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Tsk tsk tsk. In this week's episode a seemingly endless parade of women march through burn wards, A&E departments, and hospices, assuring their male occupants that "It's just Man Flu."
Highlights include Jo Brand telling a teenage stabbing victim that he should have worn a scarf, and Billie Piper's explanation of the Zimbabwean cholera epidemic as "just a bit of a hangover. Those men always drink too much in the run-up to Christmas."
Press the red button for incessant commentary on menstruation and childbirth.
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17.30
LZ
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[FILM] Captain Health & Safety Dr Raj Persaud returns as the pernickity superhero who wants to save the world from trapped fingers, bad backs and burnt fingers. This week, Captain Health & Safety notices some pallets that could cause obstruction to a fire exit and advises the person who left them to move them. Music by The Prodigy and Chris De Burgh. Also starring Oz Clarke as Captain Health & Safety's trusty sidekick Proof Reader Boy.
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18.00
LZ
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[FILM] The Fast And The Furious 5: White Van Driving Cunt Drift Vin Diesel plays a white van driver who drives down one way streets at killperson speed whilst parking diagonally down them in order to unload some shit to a DVD rental store all the while oblivious to a queue of traffic waiting behind his twatwagon. He then causes more consternation and anger when he parks outside a newsagent to pick up his Daily Star newspaper and a Rustlers burger whilst blocking an elderly wheelchair user's only access to the shop.
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| 5th January 2009 | |
02.57
TG
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My Life As A Wastepaper Basket An intriguing documentary, detailing the exploits of a schizophrenic high school girl who struggles to discover meaning in life while on the run from hordes of marauding mushrooms. Will she live to tell the tale to her therapy circle, or will the fluorescent tubes get her first?
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05.23
TG
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The Glitterbombs In this nailbiting series finale, our beloved characters are locked in a race against time as the marshmallow army draws inexorably closer. Will Martina confess her love for Jaydn, or will Jaydn's irrational phobia of cupcakes destroy her chance forever?
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06.31
TG
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Vending Machines A shocking expose of some of the lesser known facts about these everpresent, insidious objects. Hear about the part they played in the September 11th bombings, and how oblivious we have been to their propensity for chaos.
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| | 1:00 Local News (T) 1:15 Learning Zone : GCSE Zombies Theory (R) (S) 1:55 Work Essentials : Frogs (T) 2:00 Local Weather 3:00 Sport : Women's World-Cup Bare-Knuckle Pigeon Racing from Chicago 4:00 Ivor the Engine (S) 4:55 Close |
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| 31st December 2008 | |
09.30
LZ
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Thor: God of Hypochondria Being that today is New Year's Eve, Norse deity of feigning illness Thor disappears to the toilet to wet his face, put soapy water in his eyes and cough loudly to make himself look like he is suffering from a fever for the sole reason of getting away from work early to buy some beers and spirits for his New Year's party. Starring Ian Fisher as Thor and featuring music from Cannibal Corpse and Runrig.
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10.30
LZ
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Bob Willison: Management Jargonator Everyone's most hated jargon-spewing cuntshuttle decides to deliver a moronbabble-filled attempt at a Thank You For All Your Work Over 2008 speech where he tells everyone to incentivise bandwidth, synergise customer service and productivise productivity in 2009, to which everyone looks at him with a contemptible look while the collective thought in the entire room is "Fuck Off And Die You Bullshit-Spewing Shitshark". Music by Rush. Press 888 for subtitles where we give something else to listen to other than the idiotlingo-spitting titmaboob ruining your life by wasting time you'll never ever get back.
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14.00
LZ
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You've Been Happyslapped! Harry Hill presents yet another hilarious compilation of street beatings on unwary members of the public, this week we see an old lady falling asleep on a train and being beaten with a bike chain, a homeless man being set on fire and a disabled man in a wheelchair being kicked from a bridge onto a traintrack only to be turned into an amusing pile of guts and twisted metal. Oh the kids today eh?!
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15.00
LZ
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CottageWatch Bill Oddie presents this year's CottageWatch where a nightvision camera is installed some of Britain's most notorious gayfriendly toilet haunts. Listen to Bill whisper about bumming, glory holes and fingering. Music by Michael Nyman and Erasure. Press the Red interactive button for close-ups of fisting.
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19.00
DJ
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Skinray Elton Welsby hosts a special documentary into how being under the sun for too long can damage your skin. Includes interviews with David Dickinson and Jimmy Calderwood.
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20.00
DJS
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Dispatches This weeks topic is sex changes. Geordie Miner Derek Stevens looked in the mirror several hundred times a day and saw a man - he decided to become a woman. Several operations later, she looks in the mirror and still sees man despite spending thousands of brass farthings on treatment. Delly explains the pain of being called Jimmy Saville at work and being completely incompetent at her job thus having to pretend to be ill. Includes scenes some viewers may find disturbing. Music by Hank Marvin.
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21.00
SK
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[FILM] WereVamp Low budget horror film. It is the last day of term, and the kids leave to pick up their coats and bags at 5:30 pm. Peter Griffin, played by Peter Griffin, tries to escape his pet dog, Brian (Played by Brian) by running away to a Tacky, Flamboyant hotel in New York, only to find Brian reading a newspaper in the lobby. At night, he sneaks into the garden, where he sees this guy in a Sailor Moon-ish transformation. His name is Paolo Meneguzzi, played by Paolo Meneguzzi, and he is the guy who represented Switzerland in eurovision 2008. He tells Peter thta he is Human by day, Vampire by night. Anyway, at the end, there is this huge battle and everything, only Paolo dies at the end...
But will he be resurected???
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| | 0:20 Sport : Underwater Five-a-Side Frog Skiing from Calcutta (R) 0:40 The Clangers 1:00 Open University : Balloons Workshop (T) 2:00 Work Essentials : Arses (S) 2:05 Open University : Advanced Walls 3:00 Open University : Advanced Pencils Revision |
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